


Evil Anonymous

by xxpanda92xx



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Sherlock (TV), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-01-26
Packaged: 2017-11-26 23:23:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/655520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxpanda92xx/pseuds/xxpanda92xx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A consulting criminal, a Timelord, and a demigod walk into a bar...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Evil Anonymous

"Welcome to Evil Anonymous, a place you can safely air your frustrations with always being on the losing side! This week's discussion is the arch-nemesis, your ultimate obstacle! Have a seat, find a drink, and get those feelings off your chest!"

After taking a second to plot the cheery blonde announcer's death, Moriarty found a table occupied by two men looking equally disgusted by the proceedings. He took a beer and sat down in the extra chair. "And what are you guys hiding and recovering from?"

The one with long, green robes and dark hair looked at him suspiciously. "How do you know we are in hiding and recovering?"

"Well, to focus on just a few points of many, you both look irritated by the woman's cheery stupidity and worse for the wear. Thus, this is a safe hideout for you. Obvious."

The other man, a short blonde, shrugged. "Well spotted. I am the Master of Gallifrey, and this is Loki of Asgard."

"A pleasure,” Moriarty lied. "I am Moriarty, the absolute best mind this world will ever know."

"And yet, here you are,” Loki said with a sneer.

"Proving you might not be as dull as I assumed if you chose to hide here as well. Now, shall we discuss our nemeses so that woman doesn't notice us?"

The Master rolled his eyes. "Humans are so stupid. I don't see why the Doctor insists on saving them all the time. I swear! He always comes to help them!"

"He didn't when I tried to take over. But that's probably because my idiot brother and his stupid, secret boy band got in the way."

"Why do you guys even bother with Earth?" Moriarty asked. "The people here are all so dull. I've only met one man as intelligent as me. He thinks he has a chance at beating me, but that would be so obvious. Boring, Sherlock!"

Loki laughed. "Your face is truly something to behold, funny little Midgardian. What makes this Sherlock of yours so unordinary?"

"He actually knows how to think! All of these people wander around with their meaningless plans and stupid lives. I can do more than one day than a dozen can in a year. At least Sherlock can keep up! We're the same, me and him, except that he's on the side of the angels. And such a diva!"

"I know the feeling! My brother spends hours on his hair alone!"

"Sherlock's is dark and curly and never messy!" Moriarty leaned forward, finally taking an interest in the conversation.

"Thor's is blonde and fluffy and long!"

"The Doctor's just as bad!" the Master pitched in. "It gets longer and fluffier every time! I swear, one of these days he'll regenerate into a girl!"

"You know, the Bible talks about a man who lost all his strength when he got a haircut," Moriarty mused aloud. "Should we try it? Such a tale is probably little more than legend, but...."

Loki's smile put some of Moriarty's best expressions to shame.

The Master laughed bitterly. "Assuming I could reach! We're always running like mad, and he's so bloody tall this time!"

Moriarty sipped his beer. "I hate tall people! They always look down on you! I should kill them all. Why haven't I killed them all?"

"I hate it too!" the Master grumbled.

Loki sighed. "Even just a few inches between me and Thor were annoying. Being littler is always frustrating. Almost as bad as walking behind them while they're wearing a ridiculous cape."

"Or a coat that's way too long and baggy on their skinny body," the Master said with a sneer.

"The coat is so over dramatic. Most likely it helps cover up some childhood insecurity. Dull!" Moriarty rolled his eyes. "Speaking of which, I notice your robes are getting a little long there, sweetheart," he commented, gesturing to Loki with his mostly empty beer.

"Silence," the demigod said, seething. 

Moriarty smirked. "So ordinary."

Before things could go any farther, the cheery blonde came by their table again. As she passed out more drinks and encouraged them to keep sharing, Moriarty began imagining many satisfying places to blow her up. It amused him for half a second until he realized she was not worth the Semtex and he needed to keep a low profile for a while. Boring!

"Are all blondes so tedious?" he asked, adding, "Present company excluded, of course," when he saw the Master's glower.

Loki gave it little thought. "Yes. Undoubtedly so."

The Master shrugged. "I don't really know any personally. I gather the Doctor had a blonde friend once, but I never met her."

"Sherlock's pet is blonde. And annoyingly dull and predictable. I never did understand his appeal. Blondes are dull. Maybe I'll kill them all too...," Moriarty thought aloud.

"I fail to understand your logic, puny Midgardian. If you kill everyone, who is there left to rule?"

"I don't know, destruction is quite fun," the Master commented with a wide grin. "The ensuing screams are most amusing."

"Why would you want to rule this lot anyways? They're all so dull. You aliens are so predictable." Moriarty shook his head, disappointed.

"No, the predictable ones are those who stop us!" the Master fumed. "Why is everyone so hell bent on saving Earth? It's just Earth."

"Excellent question," Moriarty agreed.

"It's probably etched permanently into their daily routine," Loki grumbled sourly. "6 AM, wake up. 6:15, style hair so no one knows how much product is used. 7:15, eat breakfast and brush teeth. 8:00, save the world again. 2:00, meet friends for shawarma. 3:15, save world again."

"Boring," Moriarty sang. 

"You forgot to mention running around with a stupidly long coat or cape," the Master groaned. "Always running!"

"Well chaps, it has been lovely, but I really must be going," said Moriarty, standing.

"I'll join you," said the Master.

"And I as well," followed Loki.

When they had slipped away, Moriarty fondled the remote in his pocket. As they were leaving, he had planted a small bomb under the table. "May I?" he asked, showing his new friends his toy.

"Yes!" the Master said gleefully.

Loki rolled his eyes until the screams began. "I see what you mean. The screams really are quite lovely."


End file.
